I’m sorry I’m so short of patience.  

I’m well aware of how incredibly lucky we are in this crisis.  How we are in the best possible position; one parent with secure full-time work (from home) and the other with the ability to stop work easily and pick up full-time childcare.  

And I’m so glad we have two kids, who (unbelievably) get along for the most part and are currently battling pokemon cards in their room happily.  

It must be unbearably tough with two parents trying to work full time with kids at home.  The guilt of them watching days and days of television, of feeling helpless, guilty and unable to fill their days with play dough and cake making and homeschooling.

We are so lucky.

So my complaints and my grumpiness in comparison are really bratty.

I’m proud of myself most of the time in this lockdown period.  In three weeks we’ve built forts, made cakes, made cookies, started lego challenges, made flags, played card games, read. They don’t watch lots of tv, which is our choice, they don’t have iPads or devices, again, just our parenting choice. I’ve printed scores of activities for daily ‘home school’, kept a routine of bath and bed, enjoyed lots of family movies, let them extra earn gaming time, sprayed them down with the hose on the tramp, laughed and kept busy on daily walks.  I’ve talked and talked and talked and talked with them.  Oh god the talking. 

And I’m glad of it.  I’m lucky and I love seeing them learn things with me, I love how happy they are in lockdown, they absolutely love it.

But the thing is, I miss me.  I miss what I had just found, my job, my business. Earning money.  Feeling like I was making a financial contribution.  I miss NOT being this mum person 24/7.  I’ve been thrown back into a full-time role I had outgrown, that had really begun to make me lost and depressed and desperate.  It’s ok. It’s not forever, I know that.  But it’s hard.  

I can’t sit down and read when I want to.  I can’t take a nap.  I can’t get on my bike and blow off some steam.  I can’t stop.  I get 15 minute breaks when they finally hear me saying “NO! Go away and find something to do that doesn’t involve me helping you” but that’s when I get to put away the breakfast dishes, vacuum up the mess, do the washing or make dinner.

The days and weeks are filled with finding lego bits, busting up arguments, preparing snacks, lunches, dinner.  Hearing every thought that passes through two very clever little boys minds.  Picking up every piece of clothing, toy, rubbish discarded by everyone OR growling and telling them to pick up after themselves.  Much of my day is definitely spent growling.  My patience is so thin.

And then Andy, who has spent 8-10 hours working hard but working with headphones on listening to stories, podcasts, singing along to music, feeling useful and sometimes even inspired.   Being in another world, one that is not filled with mess, lego, snacks and arguments.  When he re-enters our world it is always with a smile on his face and patience and concern.  He helps and he sends me off for a walk and takes over on dinner.  He gets up every morning with the kids so I can sleep in.  He is amazing.  I couldn’t imagine what it would be like with a less patient, amazing partner.  Or no partner.

I’m lucky.

But it is a bit hard.  And I’m fine.  I just don’t have much left over for chats. Niceties with Andy, kindnesses such as being asked 'did you have a nice day?’.  In my head I’m screaming with boredom and frustration.    I haven’t rung friends, I haven’t done much else other than crash into bed when the kids finally stop demanding things at 9pm, watch Netflix and sleep.

The country is in crisis.  We’re fine.  But it’s hard.  And my poor bubble gets the brunt of my frustrations.  I'll dig deeper, try digging deeper.  It's a good chance to learn how to do that.